Please Excuse Us
Disclaimer: This blog is from many women telling me their own personal experiences of moments that have triggered memories of their babies that have passed away too soon. These are not all mine but I definitely can resonate with many of them. I wanted to write this specific blog to be the voice for so many women and men that are silently screaming and crying inside at these triggers. I am their voice today. Please read this with understanding that we KNOW most of the time other people aren't TRYING to hurt those that have lost their babies. This blog isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings, but rather bring light to the very quiet battle that happens to the community of parents when something triggers them in their lives. This blog isn't meant to bring guilt or shame, but rather bring awareness.
TRIGGER: “A trigger is something that sets off a flashback, transporting the person back to the traumatic event.”
Sometimes memory triggers are because of something we heard, something we saw or something we thought of in a moment. We can't control it. We don't always know when it will happen. We can't always stop it. We don't always know what to do when it happens. But what I know we all need is your support when something does trigger us. We need someone to just stand by us. You don't have to know what to do or what to say. Just be there. Be willing to listen or ready to hold us while we cry. Those things are helpful when something comes out of nowhere and we don't know what to do. Just be there.
Things that trigger us can change daily and we are trying our best to figure out what they are and why they trigger us. Please be patient. This is not easy for us. This blog is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended but for those that REALLY want to understand what we are going through in our minds and how we are trying to navigate through our forever changed lives. This blog is meant to HELP, not anger. It's meant to bring awareness to things that some women are afraid to say or not quite stronger enough to say out loud yet.
So here I am. I will be their voice.
I'm going to start with a few of the obvious ones that aren't anyone's fault, but its just the reality in a world that reproduces.
Seeing pregnant women is hard. It reminds us that we aren't pregnant anymore. It reminds us of the horrific tragedy that took place when we lost our child. We instantly became empty. We had a connection with our baby instantly once we saw that positive pregnancy test. We used to feel our baby inside but we can't anymore. We had so much love for a child but now there is nowhere for the love to go except into our tears. Your pregnancy is beautiful, we just miss ours. We want you to be happy about your sweet baby, but just remember that we might have to step away because it reminds us that our sweet baby is gone forever.
The second obvious trigger to us would be other peoples babies. Now it's not because we hate you or your baby or something crazy like that..... it's just simply because we miss OUR baby. Some parents never got to meet their baby because of an early miscarriage. Some parents had a stillborn and maybe only got to hold there baby while they were in the hospital. Some parents had there baby and got to meet them but didn't get to keep them forever. So understand that when we hear a baby crying it sometimes can break our heart because we never got to hear our baby cry OR we did and we never get to hear it again. When we see your baby or your baby interacting with his/her siblings it can cause us to wonder what could've been with our children. When we see your baby that had the same age gap with their sibling as it would've been with ours, we start to wonder what our little family would've been like. We wonder what kind of sibling or friend our baby would've been. We wonder what our baby would've looked like or been like. We wonder who they would've been. So please excuse us if we don't want to meet your new baby right away. Please excuse us when we say we are ready to meet your baby and cancel on you last minute..... It's because we miss our baby. Please excuse us if we don't go to your son or daughters first birthday because it just might remind us that we don't get to celebrate our child's birthday with them here on earth. We might seem distant and anti-social but its really because we are sad and we want you to be able to celebrate your precious baby. One day we might be "ok" again but remember that the memory of losing our child will never leave us. It has become a part of who we are forever, just as your child who got to stay with you has become a part of who you are forever.
Gender reveals..... a trigger for several reasons. The most common would be because the reveal shows the same gender that we would’ve got to celebrate. It brings back memories of the excitement and joy of the surprise that was quickly taken away from us. Now we aren’t saying "Do NOT celebrate your babies gender". Just be aware that we might not have the strength to congratulate you. But we ARE glad for you. We might not have the strength to go to the reveal but we ARE happy for you. Another reason gender reveals are triggering is because a lot of us have found out that something was wrong at that 20 week anatomy scan. So instead of the joy of knowing “boy or girl” we just are left with the “diagnosis” or the “unexplained bad news” that was quickly followed by losing our baby. We would never wish upon even our worst enemies to not be able to celebrate your baby's gender, but please remember that we didn’t get to and it’s a silent battle we struggle with.
Baby showers.... It’s also probably pretty obvious why this is hard but I’m going to share anyway. A baby shower is a celebration of the new life coming into this world and helping prepare the parents for the beginning months and years of life. For us, there are 2 main groups. One group is that we never got to have the baby shower. Our baby didn’t make it that far and it’s hard to think that we never got to celebrate him/her with our friends and family. We never got to take the cute belly pictures and that everyone posts. We never got to play those silly baby shower games. We never got to open all the adorable baby clothes. The other group is that we had our baby shower and celebrated. We were in complete bliss and excitement to celebrate with everyone. We have those belly pictures with friends and family. We have all the gifts that we registered for..... but now that is all ripped away from us. We have all these memories. We have all these tangible items that now have no child for us to use them for. Our joyous occasion now is a memory of losing our child. Every gift is now a memory of what we do not have. Instead of enjoying the nursery full of baby items, we now have to empty it so that we can function in our own house. We now have to pack up everything that was waiting and read but never got the chance to be used. So yes, baby showers are hard. Please excuse us if we decline your invite to your shower. Please excuse us if we do decide to go but then can’t get out of the car because nothing but painful memories are clouding our minds. Please excuse us if we need to leave early because “we have other plans“- we most likely don’t have other plans, we just did our best and now it’s time to go before we break down at your celebration. Please excuse us if we cry at your baby shower. We didn't mean to. We aren't trying to steal the show. We are trying to hold ourselves together to keep the celebration just that: a celebration. However, sometimes we just can’t help it and sometimes we just aren’t strong enough to fake a smile. Sometimes the emotions just sneak up on us when we think we are "fine". So please excuse us if we do any of these things. We are trying so hard.
The baby section at stores.... Sure you may cut through the baby isle to get to another section and it’s no big deal. You may even stop and think how cute something may be because YES it’s all so cute. We know it. Exactly why we can’t go over there. If it means the long way to get to a different section, then so be it. Seeing outfits that could’ve been on our babies is heart breaking. Passing by toys that could’ve been played with is not easy to look at. Walking past diapers that we will never get to change is difficult. We love our babies so much and that's why it's so hard, because we miss them with all our hearts. So if you go shopping with a friend that has had a loss, maybe let her lead the way.... she may be strong enough to go over there, she may not. Just be aware and understanding and your friend will be thankful.
Our clothes.... it may seem odd but some clothing we have in our closets have particular memories attached to them..... remember your favorite comfy sweater or shirt that you wear as much as possible? Remember those pants you wore with a day that was so great? We have memories with clothes but not good ones anymore. The shirt we were wearing when we first found out we were pregnant. The shirt we were wearing when we took our first “bump“ picture. The outfit we were wearing at the 20 week ultrasound. The dress we were wearing at our baby shower. The pajamas we were wearing when the miscarriage began. The pants and shirt we were wearing when we rushed to the hospital to give birth to our baby who would not make it.... unfortunately a lot of our clothes we can’t wear anymore because it reminds us of everything we lost. Some of us have to get rid of them and some of us have to keep it but never wear it. Clothes leave a memory in your life even when you don‘t realize it. Our memories are particularly painful. So if you see us completely buy new clothes, that is why. Don't be afraid to ask if we would like new clothes or want to go shopping with you. It would mean a lot that you recognize that some of our current clothes are hard to look at and for some, each day is a struggle literally to get dressed.
Food.....Yes you read that correctly. Not food in the way you may be thinking though. You see we were planning to come home and cook tacos or chicken that night. Or the next day we were planning on making pancakes for breakfast. However we never got to. All the sudden we were rushing to the hospital to deliver our baby that we weren't going to bring home is what we are doing instead. Or we went to use the restroom and that is when the miscarriage began. We never got to make that meal and it oddly reminds us of how we lost our baby. Now, it probably wont hit us until all the sudden that particular meal is before us. So all we ask is that if we happen to start crying its ok to ask what's going on. We might tell you or we might not because it might seem silly to us or overwhelming to us. The best thing to do is just be there for us. Ask us if there is anything you can do in that moment. If we have to excuse ourselves and go home, please don't take it personally. Please understand that we can't control that a memory was just triggered by the fact that we were never able to make THAT particular meal. It's not your fault and we know that.
The bathroom..... most of the time its our own bathroom that triggers a memory. A lot of the time that’s where the pain and agony begins. We go to the bathroom like normal and see blood when we should NOT be seeing blood. We feel our water break when it should NOT be breaking. Going to the bathroom is a natural part of life, but it’s something that a lot of us (if not all) fear doing because painful memories are brought up. We remember sitting on the toilet crying desperately for what was happening to NOT be happening. Also, after losing our child getting our first period after is no fun. Periods are already no fun, but this one stings a LOT. It kind of feels like a stab in the heart to remind us that we really ARE NOT pregnant anymore. So please excuse us if you happen to hear us crying in the bathroom. Please excuse us if we turn down going somewhere with you because we are on our period but we probably gave you some lame excuse instead of telling the truth. Please excuse us if we take too long in the bathroom. If you know someone who lost a baby, you can always ask if they need feminine products and go and get them for us. Going to the store for that is very painful. You can always tell us you are coming over to watch happy movies and bringing the ice cream, no questions asked. We might say no, but we probably mean yes but are afraid we will inconvenience you with our sorrow. We just need a friend sometimes to not ask questions but to be there and be willing to listen IF and WHEN we are ready to talk.
When people/strangers ask us how many children we have. Now this is a question that we know is just said nonchalantly and out of complete innocence, curiosity and a general conversation starter. We know this. We know its not your fault that you didn't know we just lost our child. We know you are just trying to be friendly and keep a conversation going. However, what you didn't know, was that we just lost our child. We weren't expecting to be asked about how many children we have. How is one supposed to answer that without crying and making it super uncomfortable? It may catch us off guard, so please excuse us if we awkwardly answer you because we don't know what to say. Please excuse us if we reply with x amount of living children and x amount of children in heaven. We want to include ALL of our children, even if its uncomfortable for you to hear. Please excuse us if we cry, that's a HARD question to answer for us and I hope you see why now.
This one might be a touchy subject for some, but it needs to be said. Now please know that I have my faith and I leaned into it more when I lost my son. This isn't the case for all. Everyone is different. Everyone has their own beliefs and I don't think in the middle of a crisis of losing a child should your beliefs be pushed on someone who is grieving or still in shock. Things such as "your child was too beautiful for earth" or "God knows why he took your baby" should NOT be said...... I am ABSOLUTELY NOT bashing my beliefs or the beliefs of others, please PLEASE understand that. That is not the purpose of this portion of the blog. The purpose is to let you know that these things can be hurtful to us. ALL we want is our baby back. We know its uncomfortable and you might not know what to say so your just say something that you think might comfort us. Here is what WILL comfort us:
"I am here for you"
"If you need a day of crying, laughing or silence but don't want to be alone, I will be there"
"I don't know what to say, but I do know how to give hugs. So if you need one, let me know and I will always be ready to give you hug."
Just be there as your faith tells you to be there for a brother or sister who is in pain and mourning. Let us know we are not alone by your actions. Love us where we are at and don't try to force us somewhere new. Practice the part of your faith that is to just be present with us- words are not necessary. We need you. We need your love. We need your silent prayers. We need your hugs.
So I have been waiting on publishing this blog for a while trying to think of a good way to end it, but honestly there isn’t. I don’t have any catchy phrases or any wise words. I don’t even have anymore advice to give. I don’t think that’s necessary. Everything that was written above was what needed to be said. I’m sure there are hundreds of thousands more hurtful things that has been said to parents that have lost their child, but this blog is not to create more tension in this world. I hope in me writing this, it opens your eyes to words that you say and the things that you do. I hope it challenges you to become the type of supportive friend you would want. I hope you can see that we might need a little more grace than what we probably deserve at times. We wish we knew how to handle ourselves, but we mess up too. And we might hurt your feelings too, and we are sorry. We are just trying to navigate a new way of living because our world just shattered before our very eyes.
Thank you for reading this challenging blog, if you even made it this far. I know that wasn’t an easy read for many. My heart was heavy writing it for the woman that have experienced this. I needed to be their voice and share these sometimes uncomfortable things. But it had to be said, that’s what I do. I say the things for other women that are raw, real and uncomfortable.
