72 Hours

Disclaimer: this is the story of losing our son Daniel Lee. Everything happened within a 72 hour period. There is mention of his diagnosis and what he looked like when he was born. It’s not something that you should read if you are fearful of your own pregnancy. I encourage you to not read it if you think it’s going to make you afraid in your own pregnancy. Please understand that I did NOT write this to create fear, but to tell my story. To maybe share a portion of someone else’s story (without knowing). To share a portion of what it’s like to lose a child. Every story is different and I hope not even my worst enemy ever has to KNOW what this story truly is. I don’t share this for attention or pity, but to help other women not be afraid to share theirs. To help families heal from their own tragedy by paving the way to write their own story down, even if it’s NEVER shared with another person... writing it down can help heal. I hope this helps THAT person who feels stuck. Who feels alone. Who feels forgotten. You are not any of those things. I see you and I’m fighting for you.

Here is our story:

On September 15th 2020 at about 8pm my husband and I opened the envelope with the gender of our baby inside! When we opened it, there was a sticky note that read "most likely boy". We were SHOCKED!! We then looked at the pics and the quality wasn't great with the angle that she took them at. I sent the picture to a few people to see what they thought and they all said it looked like a boy but the pics were not great. We decided we wanted to get a 2nd opinion before we did our gender reveal.

We went to bed that night excited but also cautious because maybe the pictures were wrong. (We were ok with either gender by the way!) Little did we know our worlds were about to be flipped upside down in 12 hours.

September 16th I got a call in the morning as I was getting ready to drive my daughter to daycare so that I could go to work. The voicemail said "there was a concern on the ultrasound and I needed to call her as soon as I could". I called her quickly back while sitting in my garage in my truck. She told me it was a lot so I might want to drop my daughter off and then come back home and call her. I am SO grateful she suggested that as I'm not sure I would've been able to drive.

I got home. Sat down on my couch and called her.

12 hours ago, everything was perfect....or so I thought.

Anencephaly. That is what was wrong with our baby. It is a serious birth defect where the skull and brain do not form because the spine did not close up all the way that it is supposed to. She needed me to come in that day to see a specialist to confirm but they are almost never wrong about these diagnosis. The lady stayed on the phone with me and said very kind hearted things to me and cried with me. I don't remember what she said, but I do remember that she was there for me.

I hung up and cried BIG TIME. I then texted my husband (as I could not talk) to tell him I needed him to come home from work. I told him everything and he came home immediately. As soon as he came in, we cried hard together. We prayed. We prayed some more. We sat in silence for a while. We were in complete shock. I don't remember the hours while we waited for our appointment but we were together and that's what mattered.

On our way to our appointment, we stopped at our church and had our pastor pray over us and our baby. Our faith is very important to us and so having that extra support was needed at that time and something we will never forget. Many tears were cried together.

We arrived at our appointment and not really knowing where to go or what to do. Luckily staff pointed us in the right direction. I felt like I was just floating through the air at that point. We met with the specialist and she confirmed our worst nightmare. Our baby had Anencephaly and it was one of the worst cases they had ever seen. There was 0% chance of survival outside of my womb. There was no aftercare possible to keep my baby alive. There was no way to fix it. We were helpless and shocked.

They brought us into a meeting room to talk about what we can do next. The lady was so kind and you could tell she really cared. She said we have a couple options but all of which ended in my baby not living. She gave us resources and her personal cell number to call her anytime if we needed anything.

They confirmed he was a boy for us.

Driving home was a blur. We were in disbelief and complete shock. I felt like I couldn't talk and didn't know what I was doing. I felt so sad for my poor baby who was still alive and moving in me. He didn't know what was wrong. He didn't know that he won't survive outside of the womb or that he wouldn't even make it full term. He didn't know that all our hopes and dream were just completely shattered.

We spent the whole next day stressed about what to do and how we would handle losing our baby eventually. My husband and I have never communicated so well but we have also never been so stressed out in our entire lives. We cried.... A LOT.

The next day, on September 18th around 1:30pm my water broke at home..... I wasn't sure what was going on so we called my midwives and even my boss (she has a medical background) to double check what was going on. My midwives got back to me a few minutes after calling them and they came right over to my house to assess what was going on. They confirmed that my water had broke and that I was going to have our baby soon.

I wasn't ready but I had to be because my body, God and nature made the decision for me to take my son back to heaven. My midwives very graciously empowered me for what the next HOURS would be like. They gave me the confidence and tools I needed to give birth to my son who would not survive. I wasn't ready, but my body was ready. My midwives shared their own personal experiences with loss and seeing that they got through it, made me know that I will eventually be ok again. They gave me all the info I needed for what my body was going to do, the process and how my mind might act during this. I needed them and they were there for me. Listening to them made all the difference in the world looking back. The next 19 hours was going to be like hell, but they mentally and physically prepared me for it and I am forever grateful to them.

I arrived at the hospital around 5:15pm and they reconfirmed that my water had broke. I was only 1cm and had to make a decision to stay there and be induced or go home and labor on my own for a while. I really did NOT want to have my baby at home so I decided to stay. I had already had an early miscarriage in our bathroom years before this and that memory sometimes still haunts me when I walk in the bathroom....so I did NOT want the memory of giving birth to my son in our bathroom or in our house in general. I wanted a place that I could GO and then LEAVE and not have to see daily as a constant reminder of what happened.

The staff at my hospital was absolutely incredible. They were all so nice and caring and let me take my time in answering questions and making decisions. I am forever grateful for those women that took care of me and my husband not just with a medical mindset but with a heart that truly CARED.

It was here that my husband thought of a name for him. We decided to not use the name we already had picked out and saved for a boy since 2015. We decided on Daniel Lee. Daniel is my father-in-laws first name and my brother-in-laws middle name. Lee is my dad and brothers middle name. We thought that honoring them would be the perfect name for our perfect little boy who just wasn't ready for earth yet. We of course cried again because the name was and is perfect.

They brought me into my room where I would be for the next several hours. Did all the medical stuff needed and started the treatment to help get started in labor. I had pills every 3-4 hours and had a total of about 4 doses of it by the end, I believe.

The night was a blur of me contracting, attempting to sleep and crying. My poor husband tried to sleep too but obviously nothing really was comfortable for either of us so sleep was very scant.

On September 19th at some point I was on Facebook and a memory popped up of this same day 1 year ago. It was the day we announced that we were pregnant with our daughter, our rainbow baby. She was our miracle baby and has brought us so much joy through this whole 72 hours (and beyond). It was a beautiful moment for my husband and I to remember the GOOD we have been given in our life. To remember the JOY we have been given in our life. To remember the MIRACLE we have been given in our life. Our sweet baby girl was a LIGHT in our darkness.

I remember around 1am is the last time I felt our baby Daniel kick. It was the last time I could talk to him and he would hear/feel the sounds of my voice. I remember quietly saying that I love him. I will miss him and that I love him. He will forever be my baby boy, my first son. It was a painful but sweet moment that I am grateful I didn't miss. I told him it was ok if he needed to sleep now and go be with God.

Contractions are getting stronger and more painful around 3am. Around 6am is when they got more consistent. At some point they offered pain meds through an IV. I am not one to take pain meds unless I NEED it. However, I decided to take them not because I couldn't handle it, but because I didn't think my body should have to be in so much pain given the circumstances. At that point, the less I had to feel, the better it was for me mentally.

At about 9am, I knew I was getting close and the nurse called the doctor in. My husband was so nervous his poor shaking leg was shaking my whole bed. I can't imagine how he felt seeing me go through all this, unable to take the pain away. I asked my husband to put the sound of pouring rain on from my phone because I have always been able to calm myself with water. He put it on, gently rubbed my head and whispered encouragement in my ear.

All the sudden I felt calmness. I felt peace. I felt loved. I felt relaxed. I felt ready.

A couple pushes and my sweet baby boy was born sleeping. He was born not feeling any pain or hurt from the world. His body was born, but his Spirit was already in heaven.

I wept. My husband wept. It was a deep sob of my heart breaking. A sob that my body knew it had done what it needed to do for me, and now it's time to cry. A deep cry of feeling instantly empty in my womb.

My husband went over to meet our son. He cried like I have never seen before.

Daniel Lee was 8oz and he was 8inches long. He had my nose. He had daddy's 2nd toe that is longer than the big toe. He had daddy's thick runners thighs.

I wasn't ready to see him yet. I knew I was going to before we left the hospital though. I just needed time and that's ok. There was no pressure for me to meet him right away. It was whenever I was ready.

The staff made sure I was ok physically and gave us some time alone. I don’t remember a lot of what happened. I was completely exhausted. I know I ate some and slept some.

We had to talk to a social worker and decide what we were going to do with our sons body. Not something any parent should have to do but the lady was super nice and patient with our very cloudy and tired brains. Resources and information was given to us if we needed it in the future.

Eventually I was getting very anxious and ready to meet Daniel and then wanting to go home. So they brought Daniel back in the room to us and I held his precious little body wrapped in his baby blanket. I cried for a little while before I looked at him. I was scared. I wasn’t sure what I was going to see because of his diagnosis. Eventually I got the strength to see him. I looked at his precious little face. He wasn’t all the way formed but he was perfect because he was mine. He had my nose and it was perfect. His poor little head didn’t form all the way and so half of his skull was missing. His brain was missing. THAT was hard to see. Hard to see that my baby boy tried. He tried to make it, but he just couldn’t do it. I’m proud of him for trying though. Next I looked at his perfectly formed hands. So tiny and so flawless. Then looking at his little feet and he Did indeed have his daddy’s 2nd toe that was longer than the big toe. He had thick strong thighs just like his daddy.

I held him for as long as my heart could. I cried as much as I could. I said goodbye in my mind as much as I could. I said I love you as much as I could. I wasn’t ready to say all this but I knew I had to. I was finally ready to go home. But as I sat down in my wheelchair to be wheeled out to the truck it hit me...... I’m not leaving with my baby. Instead I had a lap full of my clothes and stuff we brought. Yet, my arms were empty. I lost it. I was supposed to be leaving WITH my baby, but I wasn’t. I was pushed down the hallway which felt like it took forever. I saw some of the nurses that helped me and they hugged me and gave their sweet condolences. I cried all through the hallway to the truck. I have never felt so empty inside. So broken. So in shock. I wish it didn’t happen this way. I wish we had him still. But the reality is, we don’t. My brain doesn’t want to accept that but I know eventually I will. I still feel broken and not whole but I know eventually I will again. All of these feelings are valid and real. They are raw, unaltered and REAL. I wish they weren’t. But they are. The worst 72 hours of my life but I know the hardest part is going to be going back to “normal”. What even is “normal” anymore? So here is to finding my “new normal” and that’s ok.