Words
Let me introduce myself to you before you start reading: Married since August 2014, been trying to conceive since August 2015. Started blogging soon after. Miscarriage in December 2017. The reason I decided on the name "The Impregnable Woman" is because of the definition of the word impregnable. It means: “strong enough to resist or withstand attack; not to be taken by force;unconquerable”. This means I am strong enough to withstand the attacks that will come in my life (infertility). I will not be taken by force and I refuse to be conquered by infertility and loss. I refuse to let infertility win in my life. So I am, and all women should be, an impregnable woman.
Thank you for reading!
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(**Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to anyone that might have said any of this to me or anyone dealing with infertility. I write this to bring awareness to the words that we ALL say to ourselves, to each other and even just think about.**)
So many empty words are dropped from our own mouths daily.
Same is true that so many words are dropped from other peoples mouths into our ears.
Things we say to ourselves: (this isn't necessarily things that I have said to myself)
+ I'm scared
+ I feel so alone
+ Why can't I have a baby?
+ Maybe I should just give up
+ It's all my fault
+ There is no way I can survive today
+ I hate my body and how it can't work properly
+ I wish I had a baby
+ Why do others get a baby that don't deserve it, and I don't?
+ Will my husband still love me/stay with me if I can't provide his baby for him?
+ Will my empty rooms always stay empty?
+ Does anyone see my pain?
+ I can't do this anymore
There are so many things we say to ourselves (more than what is listed).
These things are hurtful and can make us frozen in our world.
Not only do we have to deal with the things said TO us but we tend to beat ourselves up with our own thoughts/words.
We think these things and then speak them over our lives.
The sad part of our own thoughts is that usually that is how we see ourselves.
We think and so are.
How do I get out of this mindset?
For me, I try my best to speak life over myself.
For every bad thought, I try to replace it with a good one.
One that is going to free me from the mental prison I have been trapped in.
Here are my examples:
+ I'm scared but I know I am strong enough to make it through this.
+ I feel so alone but I am going to make it a point to keep speaking up about infertility.
Etc.
I don't have an opposite for EVERY thought but I do my best to build myself up instead of tear myself down.
Infertility is hard.
Miscarriages are hard.
Why make it harder on ourselves with all these negative thoughts?
Time to start thinking and speaking life to ourselves.
So now that you know some of the things that go through our own minds and the negative thoughts we have to fight, I hope this next part of the blog will be just as informative for you.
This half of the blog is about the words that other people say to us who are dealing with infertility/loss.
Sometimes people say things but do not realize the real pain it causes.
If you are reading this and know someone who is struggling with infertility and/or a miscarriage, and you WANT to know what to say and what not to say to them, I hope this can help guide you in that.
No one really takes the time to tell people the proper way to speak to women and men dealing with infertility/loss.
I hope this half of the blog does so.
**Not all of these things have been said TO ME directly but I am just being the voice piece for women in the infertility and loss community. This is NOT to start arguments or cause guilt but rather let others know what TO SAY and bring awareness to the hurt that is happening in the infertility world.**
(EVERYTHING IN QUOTES ARE ACTUAL WORDS THAT HAVE BEEN SAID TO WOMEN)
"Just relax" Or "Quit stressing, it will happen!" Or “It’ll happen when you stop trying” Or “Just have fun!”- If you have never been through infertility or through a miscarriage, this is one of the worst things to say to a woman (and her husband). By saying this you are automatically implying that I am overthinking and over analyzing and so causing me to do so. Telling me to "just relax" is a knife to the heart. It makes me think that I am doing everything wrong. Trust me, I already know that this is stressful and hard and I AM trying to relax and have fun, but telling me to relax makes me more stressed and frustrated that now I can't relax. "Just relax" is an easy, simple, go to phrase that most people say to couples dealing with infertility and miscarriage but it is NOT at all what we NEED to hear. I NEED to hear you say that YOU don't understand what I am going through but that YOU are here for me. That's all.
"There is always adoption"- This one has a close place in my heart as I have had the heart for adoption since I was 13. Little did I know that I would have a different perspective on the phrase "there is always adoption". You see now that phrase means that I am unable to produce a baby on my own so now I have to go adopt someone else's. That phrase makes it sound like you have given up hope for my future family so I should too. (Side note: I AM ALL FOR ADOPTION AND DON'T MEAN THIS TO TALK DOWN ON ANYONE CHOOSING ADOPTION AS WE ARE ALSO GOING TO EVENTUALLY ADOPT). I am speaking simply on the fact that if the person is not to the point of adopting and someone says "there is always adoption" to you, it can shatter your dreams of having your own family. It can really mess up your thought life because you skipped straight to adoption and we weren't ready for that yet. Instead, I NEED to hear you say that YOU don't understand what I am going through but that YOU are here for me. That's all.
"Aren't you going to have babies?" Or "when will you start your family?" Or "why don't you have kids yet?" Or "I thought you would have kids by now." Or "hey your friends are having babies when are you going to join them?" Or “hurry up already”- Most of these questions/statements are said with no knowledge of a friends infertility issues and so usually this one can be forgotten about easily by us. However, you never know when someone you ask this question to just might be having a bad day and is thinking about how they have no child month after month and year after year. I know this will be a question that people will always ask, but be aware that maybe there is a reason we don't have kids yet and if you want to have coffee and sit down and ask about it, we would be happy to do so.
"Well, at least you know you can GET pregnant... just gotta work harder on staying pregnant"- This can feel like a knife to the gut. We already feel like a failure and that makes us feel worse. Miscarriage is "common" but it doesn't mean that it isn't painful and can really rock your world. Having a cold is "common" but it doesn't rock your world like a miscarriage does. Also, just to clarify, we have no control over staying pregnant or losing the baby so please don’t say that to anyone ever. What we NEED from you is an "I'm sorry" and leave it at that if that's all you can think of. We eventually are gonna need to talk about it so another way you can help us, is to LISTEN. You can ask questions but please let us SPEAK when we are ready to do so.
"Well you can still get your baby fix since lots of people around here (friends/family) are having babies"- This is not helpful at all. One of the hardest things for me to see is my husband holding a baby only because it's not OUR baby. It reminds me that I haven’t had a baby yet and makes me feel like a failure. I do not want a "baby fix", I desire my own child to love on. Instead please just say that you are here for me if I need anything. That's all.
"Have you thought about (supplement x)?" Or "We tried x and it worked right away" Or "I heard if you do x it will help" Or “have you tried temping?” Or “I’ve heard this product/food/activity is proven to kill sperm” Or "Maybe it's your dental hygiene" Or “Well maybe if you ran more” ETC.- Advice is not all what we need. Trust me, if we need advice we WILL ask you. If I need help with something I am not afraid to ask. But please don't offer up your ideas because 99% of the time we have tried all of what you just said and now we are back at square one with no solution. I mean this with no disrespect but just trying to help others understand, that although you mean well by giving advice, we really just need to here you say that you are here for us and if we need anything at all that we can call/text you. That's all.
"Don't you wish you had tried earlier?"- Um no, I started trying exactly when I was ready. Of course I wish I was ready sooner than I was but I wasn't so there's nothing I can do about that. Please don't say something that will cause us to look in the past and so feel guilt or shame for not being ready yet. Please just say, "I'm so sorry that this hard been a hard journey so far. I am here if you need anything along the road."
One woman was told "since she had an ectopic pregnancy that she should just get over it, because she wasn't THAT pregnant."- I'm sorry but that is so sad... To tell a woman that she wasn't "that pregnant" is not the right thing to say. This woman still had a baby that WANTED to grow in her tummy, is just got a little lost on the way and she had to painfully lose her baby in the end. Please don't tell us how easy or simply something SHOULD be because unless you have walked in our shoes, you don't truly understand how painful these words are. Just tell us that you are sorry for our loss and you are here for us if we need anything.
“We tried for 5 months before we got pregnant so I understand”- I don't mean to be rude in any way, shape or form, but you do not understand. I'm talking about the women that have been trying for YEARS. We are desperately holding on to the hope for a child for YEARS. We are trying to live normal lives among the constant baby announcements that turn into babies being born and then that turns into those babies 1st, 2nd and 3rd birthday celebrations while we have not seen a glimmer of hope come our way. So, I KNOW you have experienced the deep desire for a child, but you do not understand how hard it is to HOLD ON to that desire year after year after year. I hope this helps you understand why that statement hurts to hear. I hope you don't believe that we think your experience to motherhood is less than ours... because that is NOT AT ALL what we think... Your journey was just different than ours. You can't compare the two. You are welcome to share your journey with us but instead of saying that you understand say something along the lines of... "The journey I walked to get to motherhood was hard for me so I can't imagine how you are feeling but I am absolutely here for you if you need anything at anytime because if I WAS in your shoes, I know that that is what I would need from a friend/family member."
"Maybe you are being protected from being a mother because you wouldn't be a very good one."- This one is horrific to hear. It's like telling a child that took 5 hours to draw a picture, that they thought was a masterpiece, only for you to tell them that they are a terrible artist and should stop trying. This one can send some women to some dark places in their minds and it will be hard to get out of. Please just don't say this. Instead, tell us that you see how we treat the children around us and the people in our lives and how you see that we would make a great mother one day. Infertility is not only a physical and emotional journey, it is a MENTAL journey and any encouragement is welcome so that we don't give up.
“How do you even get out of bed?"- I personally have never that this said to me and when I read this from a woman that told me this had been said to her, it broke my heart. I am assuming that this woman ALREADY struggles to get out of bed based off of what she shared with me. I am assuming the thoughts in her mind never stop racing, even as she tries to sleep. Infertility is NOT a fun journey to be on but you should never make a woman feel as though she is alone because most of us already feel like that. I hope that this woman has someone around her to uplift her and help her out of bed when she doesn't want to get up. I hope she knows she is not alone. Sometimes we need that person to keep pushing us to not give up hope.
SO I know that was a LOT and hopefully nobody got offended or feel guilt of any kind.
My intention for writing this was to bring awareness to the WORDS that are said to women dealing with infertility on a daily bases. People don't realize that they are hurting us and that is why I am writing this to hopefully shed some light on the issue.
At the end of the day ALL WE NEED TO HEAR YOU SAY is that you are here for us and that if we need anything at all that we can call on you as our friend. We NEED more people to be able to walk this journey with because it is a lonely one. You don't have to understand what we are going through in order to walk with us and support us. You don't have to know what to say or give the perfect piece of advice. All we need is an ear to LISTEN to us when we are ready to speak, a shoulder to cry on when we had a rough day and maybe some flowers here and there ;)
WORDS. HAVE. POWER.
So please be careful what you say and how you say it. But also be careful how you share and who you share your life with. Be intentional about the people you surround yourself with. Surround yourself with a few close friends that can be intential about speaking life WITH you.
Just the thoughts and ramblings of The Impregnable Woman.
