The Strength Behind The Broken Woman

Let me introduce myself to you before you start reading: Married since August 2014, been trying to conceive since August 2015. Started blogging soon after. Miscarriage in December 2017. The reason I decided on the name "The Impregnable Woman" is because of the definition of the word impregnable. It means: “strong enough to resist or withstand attack; not to be taken by force;unconquerable”. This means I am strong enough to withstand the attacks that will come in my life (infertility). I will not be taken by force and I refuse to be conquered by infertility and loss. I refuse to let infertility win in my life. So I am, and all women should be, an impregnable woman. Thank you for reading! •~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~• 

DISCLAIMER: this is a story of my faith. This story is meant to show WHY I am strong. I am in no way trying to push my beliefs on anyone that chooses to read this, but rather inspire you to find the strength that you DO have behind your brokenness. I WOULD LOVE to hear your story of where your strength comes from no matter what your story is.... and if you can’t find your strength I hope this encourages you to find it. I am here to help and listen if needed 💜

Over the past 3 years people have told me that I am very strong and that I am handling everything very well. They have told me that they don’t think they could handle the journey of infertility and loss.....

To be honest, I thought the same. When I first started TTC I never imagined I would face infertility for 3 years and lose a baby. I never imagined that I was “capable” to “handle” something like this. 

And the truth is: I AM NOT CAPABLE. I AM NOT ANYTHING SPECIAL. Many nights I would cry myself to sleep. Most days my thought life would haunt me. I was scared to death to lose another baby. I did not feel I was capable to handle this challenge. I had many days I just wanted to give up and give my mind and my broken heart a rest. (And by give up, I only mean that I just wanted to stop constantly thinking about baby stuff and I wanted to stop trying to get pregnant). I had a hard time seeing friends get pregnant and so my relationships with them suffered. I was lonely and angry and afraid. 

All this to say, can’t handle it on my own. After my miscarriage I dug deep into my faith and found that it was the only thing that made sense in my sworm of emotions and heartache. My faith is the ONLY thing that kept me going. Yes my husband is amazing and my family and friends are too.... but make no mistake, they had no idea what my heart was truly feeling. They never saw my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. My God did. I look back over the past 3 years and I see that God had His hand over me and my husband. He truly took care of us and held me at my worst. My heart physically hurt and I got the chance to feel God mend it back together. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have my faith to lean on and carry me when I was unable to move or think. 

I remember my miscarriage like it was yesterday and how debilitating it was. I remember not knowing how I was going to make it through this and still function. I remember not understanding. But having Faith is just that: STILL believing even when all hope is lost or taken from you in an instant. I also remember telling God that I can’t do this without Him and I truly had to surrender everything to Him (sometimes daily). 

My flesh is weak but my God is SO STRONG. So everytime people have told me I am strong... I say thank you, but make no mistake.... the ONLY reason I am strong is BECAUSE of my complete faith in God. 

I now stand today and everyday believing for a miracle because I KNOW from experience that God is CAPABLE. I am not angry with God. I don’t question Him. I know that He wants the best for me. I stand firm knowing that He holds me close. The Bible says that God is close to the broken hearted and I have never felt closer to him than when I went through my miscarriage. I know my baby is in heaven and he or she is completely whole and full of love. 

So I live my life to also be completely whole and full of love. I can’t help it. Although things have been taken from me, I still have been given so much and I am so eternally greatful. I have an attitude that I refuse to give up. I refuse to quit. And I refuse to stop believing in God. My heart is complete in God and so a baby would just be an added bonus. 

So this is my story of how I am strong and how I stay strong. You don’t have to believe what I believe but I hope you can respect that this is my story of the strength behind this broken woman. You all have strength, sometimes it feels weaker some days than other days.... but it’s still there and that is worth recognizing and celebrating. You ARE strong. You ARE important. You CAN do this. No matter what your story is, you ARE capable because of the strength within you. 

Again, if you feel that you can’t find your strength anywhere, send me a message and I will do my best to help you find it. If I can do this, so can you. 

(Just want to honor my husband as well. Although I mention feeling lonely and sad, make no mistake he has NEVER left my side. God gave me the perfect husband to stand by my side and physically hold me when I needed it. He is an exceptional man and I don’t want it to ever sound like he wasn’t a part of my strength because he is as well.)  (I love you my waffle 😘💜)