Infertility and Depression

***DISCLAIMER: I understand that some depression is diagnosed and you can't always just "get rid of it". I understand depression is real and I take it seriously. So please understand my heart behind this post. If you don't please send me a private message with your comments, concerns or questions and I would be more than happy to explain anything further if needed.***

What does depression look like while dealing with infertility?

For me, at times it has been a deep, empty hole you feel in your heart but no one else can see it.

It's a constant uncomfortable pulling at your heart strings that long to have a baby.

It's a desperation that feels like it will never be satisfied.

It's a fear that going in public may trigger an emotion that you might not be able to control.

Depression is invisible.

The anger from it is invisible.

The sadness from it is invisible.

The pain from it is invisible.

The brokenness from it is invisible.

You feel like you are invisible in a room full of pregnant happy women.

Depression can get away with stealing TIME from our life anymore.

I look back on the last 2 years of trying for a baby and I have almost nothing to show for.

I did nothing with my life other than obsess that I COULD be pregnant THIS month so I better not make plans for the next 9.

Then the next month came.

And the next.

Like a broken record.

No baby.

And I haven't done anything while waiting.

There are times you WANT to feel something but you truly don't.

You switched on the auto-pilot and he is doing a pretty good job driving.

Then there are times you feel EVERYTHING.

You are hyper-sensitive to every word that is said or unsaid, every gesture given or not and to every empty room or crowded grocery store.

You want EVERYTHING inside of you to feel NOTHING.

Sometimes these things happen in the same day, only hours apart.

One moment feeling nothing and the next a complete wreck.

How do you get out?

Everyone is different.

Everyone believes something different.

Everyone has a different past and a different future.

All I know is that the same way you are desperate to have a baby, you should be just as desperate (if not more) to get yourself out of depression.

Depression has taken the life of so many and I refuse to let it have me too.

I think it is important to speak up about it so that you KNOW you aren't alone in it.

Get a reliable person to be an accountability partner with you.

Someone that will check in on you.

Here's my 2 cents:

Instead of getting stuck in my thoughts and reading into things, why not pick up a good book and start reading into that?

Instead of feeling stuck in a crowded room of pregnant women, go on a hike and get some fresh air.

Instead of letting depression steal your future plans, start making a list of things you want to do and DO THEM!

Instead of getting lost in the true sadness of infertility, get lost in the joy of the amazing blessings you DO HAVE (and may be neglecting).

Also, it’s ok to not be ok. I’m not saying that we have to conquer and always be strong. Nope. It’s ok to admit to yourself and others that you are not ok. It actually pretty freeing when you do it. But in the midst of admitting you are not ok, DON’T allow depression to think it has a place at your dinner table every day.

And another thing, if you need help, don’t feel ashamed to get some.

Depression is hard.

Most people don’t understand it and never will, but that shouldn’t effect if you want to ask for help or not.

Medications can help.

It’s a proven fact.

So if you need help, I will support you all the way, as I am positive most of us reading this will too.

You got this.

You are strong.

Infertility has many depressing times in it but try your best to choose your own "instead moment"

INSTEAD of letting depression get a hold me, I am going to ______.

For me, my "instead moments" always involve God.

You may not believe what I believe but please respect the fact that I found my way out of depression.