I Will See You Again

Let me introduce myself to you before you start reading: Married since August 2014, been trying to conceive since August 2015. Started blogging soon after. Miscarriage in December 2017. The reason I decided on the name "The Impregnable Woman" is because of the definition of the word impregnable. It means: “strong enough to resist or withstand attack; not to be taken by force;unconquerable”. This means I am strong enough to withstand the attacks that will come in my life (infertility). I will not be taken by force and I refuse to be conquered by infertility and loss. I refuse to let infertility win in my life. So I am, and all women should be, an impregnable woman.Thank you for reading! •~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~•

***Disclaimer: This post is descriptive and can trigger possible bad memories for others who have experienced a miscarriage. Please do NOT read if you are not in a good emotional state. Please know that this is a sad blog post BUT it does end with being filled with hope. Read when you think you will be ready. Thank you.***

Miscarriage.

Not a word that I ever thought I would have in MY vocabulary.

I have seen so many women go through this and I just never imagined that I would.

But I have and there is nothing I can do to change that.

My husband and I have been trying for 2.5 years.

We went to a fertility doctor one time and I just didn't feel like that was for us.

Three months ago I was introduced to a naturopath doctor who has been the perfect match for me and my needs.

I have never felt healthier in my life.

On December 11th we got our first ever positive pregnancy test.

I was in complete shock.

I even ran into my garage with my car while pulling out to go to work.

I couldn't think straight because of the amount of shock I was in.

We decided together that we didn't want to be afraid to tell people.

I had gotten 3 VERY positive tests that day: One in the morning, lunchtime and late afternoon.

We weren't afraid.

We did NOT announce on social media.

However, we did tell a decent amount of people.

We were so happy and so excited.

I soon began spotting.

That didn't worry me much as I know that happens to a lot of women.

I then began bleeding more.

Christmas Eve morning came.

I lost my baby.

Sitting there on a heap of toilet paper, I saw my baby.

A horrific sight to see.

A horrific experience for any women to go through.

I sat there alone on the toilet staring at my baby.

I didn't know what to do.

Nothing inside of me wanted to flush my baby down the toilet as you do to other unmentionable stuff.

Nothing inside of me wanted to keep it to give to a doctor.

I didn't want to stare at my baby anymore.

So I flushed it.

The guilt of that was strange.

The shame of that was an odd feeling.

I KNOW none of this was my fault and I'm not blaming myself for anything.

But that experience was weird.

I hope no one ever has to go through that.

But I know many women will.

So I write this in hopes that this will help you.

Even in the midst of a miscarriage right before Christmas, I still have hope.

Even though I had to let my baby go, I still have hope.

Even when my mind is racing a million miles a minute, I still have HOPE.

Why?

3 reasons.

First, I GOT PREGNANT.

I wasn't even sure if I could get pregnant!

I DID and I CAN!

Second, I was saved from more grief.

We were about to announce the night of Christmas Eve to my husbands family that we were pregnant.

We were also going to announce Christmas day to my nieces that they were going to have a new cousin.

I am so grateful that we didn't tell that many people, as the heartache would have been even worse.

Also, I don't know how my sister would've explained to my nieces that I don't have a baby in me anymore.

Third,

I have never felt closer to my husband and to my Faith.

My husband has been so encouraging and so patient through this whole process.

My husband is the best support I have ever had.

Yes, I do believe in God and no I do not think this is His fault at all.

My faith has never been stronger.

I have found hope in what I believe in and what I have been living by for years.

Peace that surpasses the sorrow of my miscarriage is what I have found in my faith.

I hope that whoever reads this, finds their HOPE.

I hope you realize that even though you had a baby and it was lost so quickly, that you can still have hope.

I hope you never lose sight of yourself in this journey of infertility.

I hope you never lose sight of the love between you and your spouse.

I hope you never lose sight of what you believe in.

If you have lost sight, that's ok.

Infertility is hard.

Having a miscarriage is HARD.

But don't let these hard things take over your marriage, your life or your beliefs.

If you need someone to talk to, this community on social media is here for you.

If you need a friend, we are here for you.

If you need some faith, I have lots to give.

If you need something, just ask.

We aren't meant to do life alone, especially when life gets HARD.

So as for me, I am hanging in there.

I am sad but I am also full of hope.

I am confused but I am also clear on where my marriage is, where my life is going and where my faith stands.

I won't have every day put together or figured out but I WILL keep going.

I will have bad days but I will also have good ones too.

But today I am celebrating that I am alive.

Today I see that I am important still and so are you.

Today I may cry but I know one day I will have a child.

Just the thoughts and ramblings of The Impregnable Woman.