No Life On Mars

August 2015. The month daddy and I decided that we wanted to have a +1 forever. As the end of the first month wait was quickly approaching, the anticipation daddy and I had was enough to fuel a shuttle to space and back. Yet as quickly as that shuttle took off, it quickly returned with no news of new life in outer space.

As silly as that metaphor may seem, it is not void of how it felt. It's how this ride of 2 years and 4 months has felt. Quick and slow. Happy and deeply saddening. Filled with hope and scared to death.

One side of your brain wants to get so lost in the idea of growing life in you, but you know you can't because you aren't to that stage yet. Another side of your brain wants to be frightened and scared to death that you will never see a little one with half your DNA and half of daddy's, but you know that if you give into fear, then how long will it take me to get out? Another side sees nothing working out. Everything must be my fault. I will never be able to give my love the title of daddy. Another side says, don't give up. I can't give up. If I do then no one else is going to fight to see this baby alive.

I am learning that there are many sides to what a mommy in waiting thinks about, dreams about, fears over and believes about herself. I am learning to only trust the one side that says to never give up, never stop trying and to start being the mommy I want to be as if my mini me were here right now. I am learning that it is neither daddy's fault nor my fault. I am learning the true meaning of what it means to wait on the Lord. I see it is not for the faint of heart. That it is not for everyone.

Waiting.

Waiting is looked at as a bad thing. There must be something wrong with me if it's taking so long right?

WRONG.

As I look back on the past 2+ years, I see growth. I see change. I see a bravery I haven't know before. I see fears challenged and won over. I see nights of giving in but then wiping away the tears just to see that I came out stronger in the end. After all, water creates growth so that must mean tears create strength, when done properly.

I can now say that I am truly excited for our little one to become a part of this story officially. Our little one has been with us the whole 2+ years and however more are after that. THAT is what keeps me going. The fact that I know God is waiting for literally the perfect time for our little one to enter this world is the source of my joy. THAT is what keeps me going. How could I ever face this seemingly never ending challenge in front of me? Why do I still have a smile? GOD. That's it.

Daddy is the most amazing man I have ever met. He is so patient and so kind. He trusts God just as much as me. He is constantly pushing back to the reason why we are alive. I wouldn't trade him for the world. The only thing I would change, is to make him a daddy sooner. But that is up to God and I'm ok with that and so is he. He is going to be an amazing daddy one day.

I have learned the strong bond that you can have with women as they go through this together. I am a part of an amazing support group on Facebook and I have found so much support already in this blog.

Women are great at supporting each other through infertility and loss.

I sit here and think about how God put everything into motion.

He gave everything existence.

He gave everything breathe and life and meaning and purpose. I love just sitting here thinking about great He is and the blessings He has given me that I truly don't deserve.

Yet the life of his son and then His death is what has given my life meaning. I am only here because of Him. God means everything to me yet I sit here in want for a baby. But God is my everything.

I know I don't NEED anything else for the rest of my life but I can't imagine the rest of my life with out bringing life into the world. Again, I know that God has an absolutely perfect plan. But He does say to seek, ask, and knock.

Don't ever stop believing.

SO I ask. I ask for a baby. I ask that you make me a mommy.

I ask that you teach me how to be the best mommy for each of my kids. I know one day this will happen.

One day.

For whatever reason I have a relentless Spirit in me that WON'T STOP BELIEVING. So I will never stop believing that one day I will no longer have the title of The Impregnable Woman.

One day I will conquer The Impregnable Woman.

But for the time being, these are just the thoughts and ramblings of The Impregnable Woman.