The Empty Room

Pregnancy talk. Baby showers. Babies all around me.

I get so overjoyed at these things, yet I also get sad at these things.

At the exact. Same. Time.

I don't know how this is possible.

But it happens all the time.

I have conversations with my friends that are pregnant and I WANT to hear the things they are saying about their baby and all that but I also have to protect myself.

Sometimes I end up just shutting off my own feelings and thoughts and emotions on the inside.

I have to, otherwise I'm going to lose it... and it won't be pretty.

I feel like this past year I have gotten more and more emotional with this piece of my life that hasn't come to pass yet.

The desire to be a mom is stronger than EVER and I don't see it happening anytime soon, or ever.

I just can't wait to know what it feels like to have life growing inside of me.

People comfort me by saying to just trust Gods timing.

I get it, I know it.

Doesn't change the fact that this is a difficult situation.

I'm still without a child and my heart still aches.

YES, God is my Comforter and I seek after Him as much as I can.

And yes I know that His timing is PERFECT, trust me I get it and I KNOW it.

Sometimes though I just don't want to be strong.

I just want to shout and cry and be understood.

I don't want someone to pity what I am going through, but rather just be there with me while I shout and cry so that I can be understood.

Sometimes grieving with one another is the best way to understand one another.

You see, we have a 3 bedroom house.

I walk by the spare bedrooms every day.

These bedrooms may have other purposes right now but they are very much so reserved for a baby.

Every day I see this empty room that is filled with nothing that is for a baby.

It's filled but its not filled with what I want so to me, it's empty.

I guess maybe this is the way God sees us.

He sees us day in and day out.

A lot of His loved ones are filled with so much other stuff, but He longs SO badly to be the only thing occupying that space in your heart.

We fill our hearts, minds, time and life with lots of stuff and not a whole lot of that stuff pertains to God.

I guess after over 2 years of being with out a baby has just revealed to me a huge piece of what God feels.

God desires so badly to see His precious creation to be with Him.

I can't imagine how HE feels after all these countless years of being rejected and forgotten and unwanted and deliberately removed.

I know what its like to long to have a child with me and close to me, But I can't imagine how God feels without ALL of us.

We so don't deserve a God that loves us this much.

We are so blessed to even have Him know our name.

I can't believe that He loves us and would send HIS ONLY SON for us.

I'm not sure that I could give up my ONLY son like God did.

He loves us THAT much.

I literally just had this lightbulb go off that God feels what I feel but a WAY bigger scale.

Like a scale I can't comprehend.

Sometimes as a woman you may think that God can't relate because He has never been pregnant or had to wait for something like that.

WRONG.

Although He wasn't physically pregnant, He did create the whole universe knowing that He would create man with free will to choose Him or not.

He has lost MANY children.

Some children He has never even got to know because they rejected Him.

He knows what the pain that loss or having a lack of something in your life feels like.

Next time you or I think that God doesn't get it....

Maybe it's time to pick back up that bible and see how much He lost so that He could love us so purely.

I may not have a baby of my own, but I still have the ability to love just as God have loved us.

I may not have the title of mommy yet but I do have the title of Gods Daughter.

And THAT is GOOD ENOUGH for me.

Just the thoughts and ramblings of the impregnable woman.