Overthinking....

How do I not think about the fact that I could be pregnant? Every sign is the same yet I want to believe I feel different and that my period isn't coming.

Every month I think I'm pregnant.

Every month I feel nauseous, cramps, like I don't want to eat yet I'm starving, thirsty and very forgetful.

So I have to just keep reminding myself that this is how I felt last month and so to not get my hopes up.

I can't help but think is there something wrong with me? I feel so emotional about everything lately. I just want to live in peace and have it be well with my soul.

One day soon, hopefully.

Here I am. Crying again.

Some of my crying is for the women that have to go through this for years. As I am approaching a year of being unable to become pregnant, the fears and worries and thoughts are starting to lurk around me and try to make me think after one year I will never be able to be pregnant. I will never conceive.

What if doctors tell me I will never be able to have children? That's a real fear that many women face. What if I will never be a mom and never be able to make my love a daddy?

As I look back on this past year, I wonder what I could've done differently. As I sit here kind of aching just waiting for my period to start again- I'm sad.

I am usually good for a while and then it just explodes all at once. 

I've felt it coming this month extra hard on me. I feel extra emotional. I feel extra sensitive. I feel extra angry for no logical reason. I am extra moody and rude.

I just want a hug but I dont ever dare ask for one because I'm supposed to be strong, right? Wrong. I want a big long hug that I can stay in forever. That's why I have God though. He is the one that gives me these hugs. I cry out because my flesh is tired and sad and feels like I'm failing while my Spirit just keeps saying "keep holding on". At times I get tired of holding on but I know it's for good reason.

The look on my love's face when he thought I said I was pregnant but I wasn't, was heartbreaking. I don't want to see that again, but facing reality I may have to. Again and again, I may have to see his heart break because of not becoming a daddy. I don't want to see it again but I know God is going to keep me strong.

I know God has never left me.

I don't always feel like I deserve what I have. We have been given so many blessings recently that I give God all the credit for. He just NEVER ceases to bring me to a heart of surrender and a mind of complete awe of who He is. I will wait and spend me days with the One who created me. He is making all things beautiful. I can't wait for the beauty you have for us.

The thoughts and ramblings of the impregnable woman.